July 13, 2014
Caryl Ward, CFLE
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When Hurt Turns to Anger, Turns to Shame, Turns to Fear: Tips
to Start the School Year out Right
It seems to me that every new school year my kids (and
yours) face more and more adversity. I often find myself (as a parent) wishing
I was better at preparing my children to face bulling, rejection, shameful
feelings, and self-confidence issues. My
girls and foster children have struggled with these issues. In my research and personal experience, I
have found not one thing works on all children, but if I can do my best at consistently
being receptive to my children’s emotions, teach empathy, validate feelings,
and come up with a way to solve a problem—that works! But first I have to
consistently rid myself of my own fears and mirror disappointments and fear in
a healthy way. To live well, we must grieve well.
When we are shamed with anger and rage, our underlined
emotion or reaction is fear. One fear I will discuss is that of rejection.
There is no greater shameful pain of loss than that of rejection. Fear of
rejection can result in great loss for anyone. Rejection for someone may mean
that they are unlovable or unwanted. When going through a battle of feelings of
rejection or loss we (especially children) need social support, feelings of
mirrored affection, time, self-talk, and emotional coaching. I will admit, rejection is a hard pill to
swallow for me. There is no way to escape rejection or loss in this human life.
The important thing is how we deal with it. Here are some tips for getting the
ball rolling for success with coaching your child about fear of rejection and
bulling.
Fear of rejection is the center of bulling in my eyes.
When shame cries out—fear of rejection and hurt screams—and we become a bully,
even to ourselves. Many of my foster children bullied and were bullied. Kids
and adults sometimes wanted to shame them for their actions and could render no
empathy when they were being bullied. Once again, fear of rejection, being left
out, being unloved is the root of this pain! Shame or fear does not help
children to feel like a worthy person, but understanding and love does. Teach
the feeling behind the fear and then strive to help that person change their
negative views of themselves.
Comfort
Validation is number one! First and forth right. This takes
TIME. Validate your child’s feelings and
concerns. As a teacher, parent, friend, or peer, children need to feel heard
and understood, don’t we all. This is a universal concept, but do we really do
it? Or are we good at it? I know it takes practice for sure. I have not always
been validated in my life and I have had to learn how to do this with my
children. In addition, remember to teach your children to validate themselves. People (and the world) are not always going to
validate them. So the next thing to teach is self-talk and how to trust and
love themselves first so they do not need to bully their self-concept or others.
Self-talk
Stand tall, look confident, tell yourself you are worth
it—is sometimes hard to do. Why is that? Are we taught that we should just know
that we have worth? It is hard sometimes
for an adult to overcome fears and self-talk ourselves to a happier tomorrow,
let alone a child. But I also think children now days are very resilient
because of parents and caregivers like you that have taught them to stick up
for themselves, try a little harder, and be proud of who they are. But some
kids just plain and simple have a harder time with self-talk. Research shows children
that suffer from ADHD and autism lack skills in self-talk. Yet, I believe like
many things, it takes practice. Through therapeutic techniques, these can be
taught and improved. Here some ideas. I
have used visual aids to help remind kids to rid those bad thoughts that creep
in. You can even use a small item (ex. small smooth rock, string, necklace)
that they can take to school that remind them that they are special and to
self-talk themselves every time they touch it. You can repeat or chant words to
yourself while doing an activity like-
“No matter what
others say or do, I am still a worthy person.”
“The more I like myself, the more others like
themselves.”
“I ______like myself and I am a lovable person.”
“I am special because______.”
Emotional Coaching
Another way to make sure your child’s underlining fear or
anger is understood is by teaching skills of recognizing their own feelings. If
a child can not recognize what is going on with their body or heart, then they
will not be able to regulate themselves. One of my most favorite books is Raising an Emotional Intelligent Child by
John Gottman, Phd. Emotional coaching is key in helping your child be more
aware of how they are feeling and how safe
they feel about their feelings—thus they can self-regulate better. According to
Gottman’s research, emotion-coaching parents had children that later went on to
be “emotionally intelligent” people. They simply could regulate their own
emotions and could calm their heart rate down faster. They had fewer infectious
illnesses, better attention, and they could socially relate to others, thus
better friendships. When a parent or
caregiver help a child cope with negative feelings, such as anger, sadness, and
fear it builds bridges of loyalty and worth. Bridges, in my opinion, that will
become a foundation of utmost importance for their understanding of their own
self-concept.
When hurt, fear or shame turns into rejection of self or
others, give your child the tools to combat the bully of the mind or on the
playground by giving them comfort, self-talk, and emotional coaching.
It was a beautiful Autumn Saturday
morning. I could not bear working all day while the sun screamed through the
window by my desk. I could not take it. My body and soul were whispering to my
mind and heart, “Just do it, climb Timp, see how far you can get.” So I got up
got my hiking gear and left. I have not visited the mountain for over 20 years.
Without fail I remember the wildflowers of every color and shape that blanketed
the field. I often imagine myself laying in the middle of that field pretend I had made the 14-mile round-trip hike. I smell nothing but clear crisp
air and hear nothing but my heartbeat. I image drinking from the mountains cold
clear water. I watch my reflection in the clear water made by God. I rival at
my accomplishments and prove to myself that I can do hard things. 
